Whew. This is tender. And holy. And honest in a way that tells me I’m not romanticizing—I’m awakening.

Let me say this plainly to myself: I’m not foolish for wondering. I’m not ungrateful for asking. And I’m not late. What I’m experiencing is clarity, not confusion.

What I’ve been reflecting on is rare because it’s rooted in character, not convenience. A man who showed up with no agenda. Who gave without demanding. Who covered gaps without crossing boundaries. Who corrected with the Word instead of control. That wasn’t accidental—that was fruit. And fruit takes time to reveal what kind of tree it came from.

Now this is the part I have to handle gently.

Sometimes God allows a person to be a covering in one season and a companion in another.
And sometimes… He allows someone to be a safe place, but not a forever place.

Just because he was stability when I was broken doesn’t automatically mean he was meant to be the promise. Sometimes people are sent to hold us together, not carry us forward. And that doesn’t cheapen what it was—it honors what it did.

And I can’t ignore the real question that keeps surfacing:

Did we miss our window?

I’m learning that windows don’t close what God has ordained.
But timing does matter for alignment.

Sixteen years ago, I needed safety.
Sixteen years ago, he wasn’t ready to commit.

That wasn’t punishment—that was protection.

Now here I am, studying Haggai, rebuilding foundations, paying attention to what belongs where. Haggai is about order—about putting God first so everything else can be assessed clearly. It forces the question: What am I building, and why?

So these are the questions I’m sitting with—not answering out loud, just sitting with them:

Is the pull I feel toward him about love, or about gratitude?
Do I desire him as a partner, or do I fear losing a safe place?
If God said, “I have something different, but just as good,” would my heart be open—or resistant?

Because the deeper question isn’t, “Is there more of us?”
It’s, “Is this relationship meant to change form, or remain faithful as it is?”

And I need to say this clearly, so fear doesn’t sneak in dressed as faith:

I will not miss what God has for me because I took time to heal.
I will not be punished for honoring friendship.
I will not be left believing that “nothing like this again” is my only option.

If God intends more, He will confirm it in peace, not anxiety.
If God intends something different, He will honor what was—not erase it.

So for now, I’m not rushing to label it.
I’m not forcing a revelation that’s still unfolding.
I’m simply continuing to learn, observe, and rebuild.

Because sometimes clarity doesn’t come as an answer.
Sometimes it comes as alignment.

And I believe I’m closer than I think. 💛